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The Places You'll Go / The People You'll Meet

Everybody loves pizza, right?

I belong to a writing group, and a recent topic was — "The Places You'll Go / the People You'll Meet." So here's what I put together.

Someday I'll go to heaven … and I'll meet God.

I bet some of you think … that's crazy talk. Then again, some of you think… right on.

As for me, I'm in a quandary. I don't believe in heaven and I don't believe in God. So, how am I expecting to go to heaven… and meet God?

One answer is,,, why not?

The other answer is… how can I imagine the people, assuming God is a people, that I will meet?

Well, frankly, I can't imagine any person that I don't already know, that I will meet.

But, I've heard lots about God and Heaven, so why not?

So what do I image Heaven to be?

Well, considering that I'd be dead, at best, it must be a place of imagination. So, let's imagine.

Let's say, it's like a long sleep. Actually, I like sleep. Some of my best dreaming has taken place when I sleep. Although, I don't sleep all that well. Might be my prostate. Do people — I guess I mean men — have prostate problems in heaven?

i can't imagine that. And I can't imagine having to get up in the middle of my death, squeezing out of my coffin — and that's assuming I'm not cremated, and having to go to the bathroom.

And now I'm wondering, are their bathrooms out in the cemeteries? And if so, are they open at night? I guess I can go behind a tree. Are there trees at this cemetery? Hmmm, maybe I should specify that in my will.

And will I see God? Maybe he's out there at night, also with a prostate problem — and we meet and we bond. Then again, maybe God is of the female variety — no prostate but,,, I don't know what's the equivalent.


I know when it comes to my wife, the equivalent is worries. Worries will keep her up at night. Maybe God has worries. In Yiddish, I think it's called tsuris. The dictionary calls it troubles — close enough.

So, maybe God has tsuris. Not necessarily with his prostate, but with the whole world. So, there we are, me and God, talking about our prostates and, then after a while, we'll talk about world events — maybe universal events. Then maybe something interesting like music.

I bet God is into music. He's probably pretty good at the harp and ram's horn. Maybe I can be the first to say that God rocks — assuming there's some way to say something in my mouldering state.

But then again, maybe that's why all these people get together and sing to God. Maybe he likes listening. Maybe he sings along. Maybe he does harmony. Maybe, he is harmony.

So, by now, I guess you're gonna ask me — so what does God look like? Come on, you know the answer to that. Check out the Bible.

In one section, it says, God is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent and omnibenevolent — that's a lot of omni. In fact what does omni mean? The dictionary says, "of all things." Pretty vague, huh?

For me, I see God as an old storyteller. He's telling a story so old and so vast that his story becomes an all time best seller.

So, now, I turn to God, and I ask, "I thought that I was supposed to be in heaven — this looks like a graveyard, what gives?"

So, God turns to me and says, "Hey, it's your long night's dream. You can go to any heaven that you like. But may I suggest my particular part of heaven. It's called California.

And I responded, "I've been dying to go there."

~ Al Zagofsky








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